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Submitted on
December 18, 2012
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You told me it wasn't working out.
Said you were going on a trip,
that we'd work everything out
when you got back.

I just about died
when you left town that day.

But you broke my heart
when you never came back to me.
I'm falling apart
with a broken heart.

I thought we were in love.

Can't believe I was cryin' over you
for so long.

I should have cried myself a river
and built myself a bridge,
gotten over you.

I know we'll meet again,
it's called destiny.

But right now
I'm trying to find my way,
a path

Something that will tell me
where I'm going,
what I'm doing
in this life of mine.

Because I know I lost my plan along the way.

I thought we were in love,
instead you broke my heart.

When I saw you on the street in LA
I felt the strangest thing:
Pure love
and
the deepest hate.

At the same time.

I was barely breathing,
in so much pain.

I swear you saw me,
cause you started my way.
And it's not like me
to turn away.

But you'll never see me again.
You broke my heart.

You broke my heart,
but now it's your's that breaking.
Breaking into a million
tiny pieces.

All you wanted was
a second chance.

That's the only thing
I ever wanted,
but you made me feel
so small inside.

I'm barely holding on.

You left me behind.

Hanging on
to those beautiful memories.

You left me here alone.
You told me it wasn't working out.

Said you were going on a trip.
But you never came back.

But you never came back.

Why'd you do it?
I thought we were

In love.
Credit me. Thanks :)

I wrote this a loonnnggg time ago. It's not based off of anything I've personally experienced. And it's probably really bad. I think this is actually one of the few I'll edit a billion times before I'm semi happy with it. ^^;

Critiques are fantastic. Tear it apart!
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Student Writer
I was just thinking of how this would make a great song when I saw the category it's in. :D It seems like a love song but to me it's not actually sweet, but more aimed at some kind of vengeance or retribution. Just my thoughts. :meow:

My favourite lines:

I should have cried myself a river
and built myself a bridge,
gotten over you.

:heart:
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
I think you're right! I believe I was going through a random song writing phase when I was in junior high and I'm pretty sure I wrote this around that time so it probably was a song. :shrug: I do agree that it seems like a love song but a bit vengeful as well. Good observations!

Really? I like the meaning behind it, but I'm really not sure I like the wording though. I can't figure out how to make it better though. :stare:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you. :bow:

Hmm. I think if you remove the 'and' it'd feel less forced. How about:

Should've cried myself a river
built myself a bridge
walked away from you/gotten over you
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Not bad, not bad. It feel less forced without the 'and', but I feel like it sounds more robotic or more like a plain old list without the 'and'. I shall come up with something though! Eventually it'll be 99% perfect. :XD:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
Haha, good luck! :highfive: :huggle:
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:iconwriteacrossme:
writeacrossme Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Writer
I have to tell you I could never help you with the critiques on this. I appreciate poetry but I'm horrible at it and I don't understand it enough to give you a critique. I will say, though, I like the idea and emotion in it:)
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
I appreciate the comment nonetheless. I've probably commented on 2-3 poems, I'm terrible with poetry (in most ways). I think this was my first and probably best attempt at it. :blushes: I prefer stories anyway :P
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:iconwriteacrossme:
writeacrossme Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Writer
If the artist is someone I don't watch or something I don't bother reading the poems. But when it's a friend, I make an attempt to comment :nod: I will never do poetry :x I hate writing it and kdvnksdnflsmldcakm it's just not good with me; I'd embarrass myself. Stories are much better, I agree!
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
Aww, well I appreciate it! :meow: I'm generally the same, unless I find something that looks interesting. :shrug:
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:iconbaccaratta:
baccaratta Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well I know I said I was gonna go to bed but I didn't manage to ~_~ So I'm gonna try and me a little productive instead! :)

I like the contents of the poem, but I have a few nitpicks about it.

First off I wonder why the lenght of the stanzas are so inconsistent, I don't think that is a set poem rule but in my mind consistency makes it look more professional and appealing to the eye.
I also think having one/two word sentences breaks up the pace, am example on this is [and] in the 12 stanza. I have no problem seeing the reasoning behind why you have written it taht way but I think it's unnecessary to do it.
Last thing is dots, I don't think poems because of their "nature" should contain a high amount of neither dots or commas(you don't have a problem with commas, just stating it). This is because I think it again breaks the phasing, because I take longer breaks at every dot[reading habit].. which leads to an inconsistent reading pattern on my end, this breaks me out of the setting.

You could try and put everything into consistent stanzas, I'm pretty sure that would be possible without to much trouble. But too be honest I think this would fit the best as a song text, because when I read it the different parts of the text seems like seperate parts. This makes it a terrific foundation to make a song out of if you make a new chorus or transforms fitting already existing part into it.

All the critic aside I like it and too be made so long ago I think you did one hell of a job and I'm exited too see what you manage to whip of should you decide to re-do and refine it, all in all great job berry! :)
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