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June 24, 2012
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At 8:00 pm everything is already quiet. Families are in their homes, children in bed, even the animals—what few there are—are quiet. There's not even the sound of birds, once familiar but now alien to all but me.

I traveled light and kept only what was important. Maybe the most important of all was a tape with the recording of all sounds that might have once been regular occurrences: birds chirping, dogs barking, people exchanging pleasantries, pencils scribbling, water running, and maybe one of the best: laughter. People don't laugh anymore. Not after the Superiors took over. The People aren't allowed to do anything anymore. To write, I had to steal clothing and old materials, coal, sometimes I simply wrote on myself with the hope that I didn't sweat it off. Occasionally I found a large canvas but I could never carry it too far. I tended to have to bury it before I got the chance to fill up the entire space. I buried these things so that maybe one day I would have the chance to come back & put it together in a book. Or share it with someone. And if I don't, maybe some other poor soul will find it and do something good with it.

I only traveled at night because in Daylight someone would see me, although even night is very bright with the lights They shine. I didn't even know for sure whether the Daylight was real or not. I kept to the shadows because I couldn't afford to be caught. Not then, hopefully never. As far as I knew, I was the only one like me. Everyone else had a home and fresh clothes and fresh food. And none of them are Revolutionaries.

There were some who were homeless, but they're more than a little crazy. When I encountered one of their clans, I had no fear though. No one believes them. Not even the Superiors. It's nice to come across these clans. They always share their food and gave me clothing. And human contact is always pleasant, even if they are psychos. Sometimes I would think these people are saner than everyone believes though. If I could gain their trust, I'm sure I would have followers in my mission.

The clock loudly announced the arrival of a new day. That's the only thing They let us keep: our time. Even though that of Arcadia Silentium is different, They let us keep our own. It's the only sound in the night, and it's just that once. They may have let us keep our time, but They announce it obnoxiously and twice a day: twelve noon, and twelve midnight.

I walked until the lights dimmed—that signals that Daylight is coming. Between the Dimming and Daylight I have thirty minutes. I needed a place to hide. After finding a place to hole up for the coming time, I checked the perimeter, found nothing, and sat down to quickly eat a small meal. I should have kept it for when I woke up, but I was afraid my stomach might give me away as I slept. I fell asleep soon after eating, though, and dreamt of a world with blue skies and flowers, a place where love exists, a place where two can exist as one—as a happy couple with a family and a future.
COMMENTS VERY WELCOME!
I love any and all feedback, so please please please feel free to share your thoughts!
:)
**All my literature posts are still works in progress, ignore the length. The chapter divisions are all improv at the moment (I have 39 pages, no chapters yet, so I'm just going with the flow here).

**All my works are to be credited to Cranberry413

Chapter 2: [link]
Possible Prologue (Still to be edited): [link]
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:iconxeg0:
XeG0 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
At this point, the things I'm wondering are - who is this person? Why are they writing? :)

And a slight pet peeve of mine; in the second to last paragraph about time, the phrase 'they let us keep our time' is repeated three times within the course of three sentences. :O Might revise that for repetitiveness. ;)
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
To be explained :) I hate having questions like that when I'm reading a story, but at the same time I feel like it's slightly pointless to have a story where no questions are asked at any point throughout.

Yeah, I've gotten that. :blush: I'll revise that! I'm trying to finish the whole project first and then go back and revise everything all together (that way I can read it all together too :D)

Thanks for the comment! Much appreciated :hug:
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:iconxeg0:
XeG0 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
That is very true. Touché. ;)

And that's fine - waiting until completion to edit can also help you distance yourself from typos and other things that you might overlook. ;)
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
:)

This is also true, I didn't think about that! :D
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:iconjburns272:
Jburns272 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Interesting.
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
Thanks :)
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:iconjburns272:
Jburns272 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome ^^
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:iconchaosshadowolfe:
ChaosShadoWolfe Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
From what I've read so far, I can really see one of my own personal characters in this situation. Your build up is good, you are clear on where the character stands in the society, and that's something good. However, I do find it annoying that, considering the character knows that when she's caught she's probably doomed, you don't emphasize the feeling of fear on the character, you don't put it(I'm referring to the character as It, considering you haven't cleared the gender so far) into the situation that it realizes that day is coming, which means people will be walking, and that she HAS to find shelter to survive.

The potential is there, it's really there, but I get the feeling you're not "in sync" with it. It feels like you know what you're writing about, but you can't put the finger on how it is.

For example, the part where it becomes day, you simply do the following;
"- Between the Dimming and Daylight I have thirty Minutes. I need a place to hide."
Next sentence: "After find a place to hole up for Daylight,-"

The moment I read it, I was like "The fuck?!" There is so much potential in that part alone that you could really draw in the reader, let him or her experience the fear of being caught. Let them feel what the character feels. More words, more description. Don't be afraid of overloading the sentence, remove the restrictions.

How I'd have written that part is more descriptive.

"- Between the Dimming and Daylight I have thirty minutes. I need to find a place to hide. I looked around, my head turning in nearly every direction as I knew that every second could mean the difference between life and death. A hole in the ground? No, too obvious. That shady corner over there? No, people can easily see me there. I continued walking, ever wary of possible hiding spots. The sun rose above the horizon, slowly raising the curtain of night off the planet. Shit! I need shelter! Where can I... Yes! That building over there! I was filled with joy as I realized that I finally could hide somewhere properly. Nobody would check a ruin of a building, not even the low-life of our planet. Quickly I ran for the building. The moment I entered the shadow it created I sighed of relief. -"

As you can see, at least I tried my best on it :P, I emphasized on the human side of the character. I let it come over as "I want to survive, I want to live, and I want to know what tomorrow brings me."

It's all up to you though, this is just how I'd have done it.

It's an interesting story thus far aside from the low description, but everyone has to start somewhere I guess ;P
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012
I'm in a bit of a rush, so I'll just answer the broad point of your comment:

First off, thanks! I appreciate it.
I've got basically the entire story written (more as a movie though.. :P) in my head, I just have to get it written/typed. This is just my first draft though, and I have a LOT of work to do on it.
I started this idea on a whim and kind of a large portion of it was written incredibly quickly without re-reading it first.
OH! And as for the main character, (I've had a lot of complaints about this) I don't intend to really make it obvious what its gender is. I don't plan on changing anything until I'm completely done writing, but do you think it *could* potentially work?
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:iconchaosshadowolfe:
ChaosShadoWolfe Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
no... the gender of a character, how smallish it might be, really influences the story's point of view. If you're writing about a male, the vision the reader gets is probably more focused on the whole aspect of survival and not getting caught.

As for when you're writing about a female, the vision the reader gets is probably more focused on survival, along with possibility of possible assault by other humans, or even Aliens.

The gender is something that gives clarity on which point of view the character might have. For instance, if you have a male character walking through a mall, without much detail, your readers would expect the male to, not go window shopping and gasp at the sight of shoes. The starting feel is totally different.

When you're writing about a female character in a mall, your readers will immediately(near immediately) say she goes shopping and will spend hours just looking around(general interpretation on female shopping behavior), where the male would be expected to head over to the sports/game corner, buy what he wants and gets the fuck out.

So, whether your character is male, or female, influences their approach to situations. I've created two female MC's so far, Hayden and Alleria and they have the exact opposite personality. One is calm and calculating(very feminine from the start), the other is aggressive and unpredictable(very dominating, attention hungry, more masculine if you prefer).

So, it really depends on the first impression, and for that, gender is important.

You could always say the gender is the reader's gender.

I do have to say, rework Chapter three as soon as possible, it slammed me right out of the little immersive feeling I had in the beginning at some point. Like I said, it has potential to be great, and sure, compliments are nice and fine, but it doesn't help as much as someone that reads the story and actually just slams a stamp on it with the letters "GOOD", "Bad", "Horrid", "Enough potential, but writer lacks experience.", etc.

So, I hope you don't find my comments utterly offensive, it's not meant that way, I just voiced my opinion(except for Chapter 3, I stopped reading after I got kicked out of the immersive feeling I had.) and it's not meant to destroy your motivation or any other thing. It's purely meant to point(point shouting) at the errors and how annoying they could be for the reader.
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