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:iconcranberry413:
HI! :wave: So I have a few things to point out that aren't related to the questions (well, maybe they're related to the last point.. :XD:). I'll hit those first before I forget.

~So I'm in love with the name of the place Addie is sent to. I did laugh. It's really great! It makes me think a little of a daycare for toddlers, BUT I think it works really well for a rehab/mental institution type of place like it's working as.
~Grammar and spelling was good as always.
~I have one tiny question/complaint/pointer: When you're writing the part where the counselor is asking who wants to speak next, the order of the actions makes it seem like Addie is asking who wants to speak next. It's obvious it's not her, especially as the reader continues on, but I just thought I'd point that out. I'm not trying to be nitpicky. :blushes:
~The whole scene where Addie is talking in what I assume is like a group discussion reminds me of the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. (I love that movie!) But anyway, that's not anything really related to your work in itself. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
~I'm a little curious about the voice(s)(?) in her head. I feel like that wasn't addressed as much as it could have (or should have?) been in this chapter. It just feels a little too open ended. Of course if you come back to it later that's totally okay.
~I like Madeline! I like the random detail you threw in about her being really tall. Is that going to come back later and be important? I feel like the way you put it in there (if it doesn't become an important detail) seems a little unnecessary though. I mean, yeah it may look silly/weird to have such a huge height difference, but wouldn't it look silly simply because there are only two people sitting at the table?
On a different note about the height difference, it reminds me of me and one of my best friends :D She's like 6'1" and I'm barely 5'4"ish.
~OK! I think I've covered everything. :faint:

To answer your points:
~I think Addie's voice is good. I like how you've written her as a seemingly bitter person who also clearly has actual feelings of her own (that aren't necessarily ALL bitter). It seems like she doesn't really know how to handle those feelings though? I also like her little outbursts and her quietness around strangers. I think that really works well for the bitterness she portrays. Although in the scene where the guy is in her room, she seems pretty polite so I think that kinda shows the whole feelings thing I mentioned... And the part where she asks where he's going. It seems to me like she's lonely and just wants a friend. Maybe I misjudged that though and she was actually telling the truth when she says she forgot..

~I think I kinda covered her overall character in the last point.. But I will say I like where you're going with it (or at least what you've done with it so far). I think she's well put together and I'm excited to see more, hopefully :eyes:

~Um, yes. The beginning pulled me in! I don't think I was completely enveloped until the end, but I think starting with the place she's been shipped to was a bit of a humorous touch. However, it seems a little misleading because it starts as a seemingly humorous piece (even if it's not actually a 'haha' type of funny, but more of a 'seriously?' type of funny) and then it goes on into something more serious. It's still entertaining and all that good stuff, but it's more of a "I'm on the edge of my seat" entertainment than "I think I may die of laughter" entertainment. Does that even make sense? I feel like I'm babbling on and making absolutely no point.

Onward!

~I don't think the ending surprised me until I read this question... I took it as more of a joke Addie said. Like something she said just to freak him out and get him to leave and then he took the bait and played along. But then you asked this question and I'm sitting here thinking "Well she asked if it surprised me... It must be true then!" I can't say I'm fully surprised because I still think it's a little jokeish thing, but then your question kind of threw me off.. I guess I'm a little surprised but not really? I'll have to see if you post more!

~YES. End of story. Yes. I. Need. MOREEEEE!!! I'm pretty sure I addressed this in the last point. :XD:

Oh! I think I'll explain my ratings. At least the originality... I gave it a 4/5 because so far it's pretty generic. Yeah, there's some unique differences between this and everything else, but so far it's just a teen girl who apparently hears voices and has been placed in what is essentially a looney bin. Keep it up and I'm sure it'll be totally different though! I really hope you'll keep posting? :please:
Vision and technique were great as always, and impact was (for me) better than most literature pieces I've read!

So after saying all that... I'll leave it with this: I need more. Great job, keep it up!
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Comments


:iconwriteacrossme:
writeacrossme Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student Writer
Whoa! So many words! Thanks for taking the time to write this, means a lot :heart:

~Lol yeah I don't know how that name came to mind. I wanted to put alliteration in there and emphasize how stupid the place is :XD:
~Yay!
~Oh yeah... I know, I've noticed that I was just too lazy to figure a way to make it better. But now that you've mentioned it, I'll definitely edit that.
~I've heard of it, but I've never seen it! Maybe I should check it out sometime then :XD:
~I didn't mention it much because first off, it'll be mentioned later, and two because Addie is as confused as the reader. She's pretty convinced it's just some people talking in the hallway, in the other room, etc., but she's just beginning to think it's not. But do you think I should address it further?
~Addie's extremely observant, gets off topic easily, and resides in her own world - that's why she mentions it. Her mind works differently than most people, and she felt she needed to mention that wacky detail :D
And I can also relate to it; except that I'm the tall one in the equation :XD:

~Yes, thank you! She's very bitter at all those around her for treating her liek she's an idiot, or her family for sending her to TTfTT :giggle: I'm glad you caught that. She wanted him to stay because she wanted to talk to someone, she's extremely lonely. she didn't forget, she just wanted to hint to him that he could stay :)

~She's been developing for a while, her personality has gone through quite the changes! Perhaps if enough people request, I'll post more.

~Yep, that's alright because most of the time Addie has that kind of unintentional ignorant humor. I feel like it's very necessary because this novel begins to get very dark. Addie's pretty blunt when talking, which I think that's where the humor emanates. I get what you're saying thoguh - you're not just blabbing!

~Yeah, I wasn't sure if people would take it as a joke or not. I suppose you can see where the real truth lies if I post more. I did kind of like ending with that though, I guess it keeps people guessing what that exactly meant. Whether they have extremely dark humor or they're serious and they actually did kill people. Lots of secrets in this novel I have to unravel... :omg:

~Thank you a ton! Maybe I will :) The boy character, it's his birthday tomorrow :D:D

Thank you! Things like this keep me going! I'll think about posting the next chapter sometime... after I finish it :XD:

Again, thank you! It's so sweet for you to take the time to write this!
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
haha yeah... It kinda got out of hand. I believe it's my new record setter. :XD:

~I think you've succeeded in that task ;)
~About the movie, it's not a big similarity or anything. I don't even know what made me think of it other than the fact that there's group therapy in both.. It's a good movie though. I just watched it a couple weeks ago for my psych class. :meow:
~I don't think it should be addressed any further if it'll come up again. I know I have a lot in my story that has yet to be re-addressed and it seems otherwise random so I didn't want that happening to you or something.
~I see! I just didn't want it to come off as random since that's the only thing she mentions :)

~Oh yay! I caught something correctly :aww:
~If... Maybe I ask like 5 times does that count as 5 people? :XD:
~Ohhh, dark you say? I like dark stories. I must read it.
~It's a great ending! So many secrets. I may go crazy myself. :stare:

~Oh very cool! Happy early birthday to Mr. Unnamed boy character. :party: Wait a minute... Did you say his name in the story?

Speaking of finishing... I must work on my own next chapter. I finally started working on it again and then I went to see a movie and forgot... Now I've been distracted and can't focus again. Urgh. Anyway... Maybe I'll actually get around to it. Sooonnnn...

You're so welcome! I don't mind critiquing things. They usually don't turn out this long though. ^^; Anyway, hope it was of some use. :)
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:iconwriteacrossme:
writeacrossme Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student Writer
That reminded me! I've been trying to catch up on your novel. :faint: I really like it! I hope you don't mind that I haven't been posting comments. I will when I'm caught up! :D

Anyways~

*looks to find things she can reply on*

Sorry! :D You only count once (maybe twice :giggle:)

Nope! I never mentioned his name in this chapter. Just in case I don't post much more - his name is Kayden. No middle or last name. Just Kayden :meow: I kinda fell in love with him on accident... oops.

Yes! I need to get working on my next chapter too... internet loves to distract me. I'll try to catch up with your story soon, promise! :D

It was of use! :)
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
:rofl: That's okay! I go through phases where I just don't do anything and then I go through another phase where I'm on a comment spree and I'm glued to my computer. ^^; I'm glad you like it though! :D

Oh okay good. I would have felt terrible if I already forgot his name. :tears: Well happy early birthday to Kayden then!

I know that feeling too well. Darn internet. :shakefist: And no hurry. I'm terribly slow with posting anyway. :XD:
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